Wednesday, 22 June 2011

From scenes like these old Scotia's grandeur springs


Going to Aberdeen?


Speak like a native with our oh-so-easy Listen, Read, Speak method:

Northfield Episode 1 (mp3)

1. June, it's Aggie, Fred's Aggie here ... phone me back on 0778052736 ... now phone me back June and I tell you ... I swear it on the bones of my mother that I'm going to murder you and that homosexual Abdully 'cos you've just rotted the constitution of my boy ... if you want to take £50 off my boy I'm going to take £50 off your face, prostitute ... you'd better phone me back 'cos I'll come up to your house, June, and I'll put the whole lot of your house in a knot ... and you can tell [redacted] he'll get his throat cut ...

Northfield Episode 2 (mp3)

2. June I'm telling you you'd better get back to me because I swear afore this weekend's out ... if I get my hands on you ... and I'm telling you I'm going to rip you from arsehole to breakfast and that wee poof Henry Glass that you married I'm going to crop that and all ... you'd better go on the phone ... give me the money back, June, and we'll forget all about it ... or else you're dead and I don't give a f*ck who's in your house I'll burn the whole f*cking lot of you out ...

Northfield Episode 3 (mp3)

3. Look I'm very sorry, my dear, whoever you are ... I phoned up and left a message on your answering machine and made a threat phone call ... I'm sorry, I got the wrong person ... I hope I haven't disturbed you in any particular way ... sorry.

Increase your word power: crop - geld, emasculate

12 comments:

Dave said...

How did you get hold of my answerphone tapes?

Rosie said...

Where on earth did you find these, ha, ha? Isn't that Henry the grass? I love that she phones back to apologise.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you so much.

Rog said...

It was Alex Salmond they were after wasn't it. He's rotted everyone's constitution.

Christopher said...

I thought you might be involved in some way, Dave.

Rosie: Dave seems to think the tapes were his. Henry the grass? (It would be the 'clype', wouldn't it?) There may be some confusion here: Gunther Grass, maybe, and Henry the Green Engine? Have you been staring out of the window for too long?

Vicus: A great pleasure.

Rog: If you listen very carefully you may find 'Alex Salmond' is the redacted name. So your thesis would be justified. Which is more than you can say for the Act of Union 1707.

Z said...

This town is so mean!

broken biro said...

Love it! No messing about.

I was up beyond Aberdeen a few times last year and even my Scottish friend couldn't understand what they were saying!

Spadoman said...

I've heard people in New York and Boston talk like this. Of course, I'm from Chicago, we'd never make threats. (we'd just go do it!)

By the way, we have an Aberdeen in 15 of our states here in 'Merica. And yes, I know a woman in one of them.


Peace, though

Christopher said...

BB: A very great pleasure to welcome you here. Thank you for dropping in, and cress sandwiches are always so acceptable. Clearly you are a person of great ingenuity and taste.


Spadoman: You've let me down. I had so hoped you were going to write 'And yes, I know a woman in every one of them.'

Never mind. One day. 'But a man's hand should outreach his grasp, else what's a heaven for?'

Spadoman said...

So sorry Christopher, I DO know a woman in every one of them, I have only "Known" a woman in one.

Pax Vobiscum

Christopher said...

Thank you, Spadoman. Faith restored. As if it could be otherwise!

Peace, old Adam.

letouttoplay said...

Wonderful!
Now I understand what the woman from the Insurance company's call centre was saying last time I phoned them. And you've even given me the name to ask for next time.