Sunday, 24 April 2011

Spring Greens


Is your name Green?


by 'Nomenclator'

1. 10 years ago one Sally Barnes, who worked for a Yorkshire branch of Tesco's, spent £2000 on cosmetic surgery to make her look less like Su Pollard, an actress who enjoyed her hour or two of fame in a TV sitcom called Hi-de-Hi. This Su Pollard once entered a talent contest and came second to a performing dog. The contest, an early edition of Opportunity Knocks, was hosted by a certain Hughie GREEN.

2. Stanley GREEN, however, who died in 1994, was a London sandwich-board man, whose message, sometimes in pamphlet form, was that carnal lust is brought on by eating beans, meat, cheeseburgers and particularly by sitting down. This was the message he brought daily to the Oxford Street crowds and cinema queues, some members of which occasionally attacked him. He cycled daily from Northolt to his work, standing in the saddle.

3. Mary GREEN, maybe a 17th Century ancestress of the above GREENS, claimed to have a licence from the Archbishop of Canterbury allowing her to practise alternative medicine. She had cures for:

a) Windy Vapours
b) Glimmering of the Gizzard
c) Falling of the Fundament
d) The Scotch Disease
e) The Wombling Trot.

Mrs GREEN also produced publicity flyers in rhyme, one of which from 1685 read:

The Cramp, the Stitch,
The Squirt, the Itch,
The Gout, the Stone, the Pox,
The Mulligrubs,
The Bonny Scrubs,
And all Pandora's Box.

*

Please underline as appropriate:

I feel this is an honourable surname and I am privileged to be called GREEN

I am going to change my name by deed poll to GREEN

My name is/is not GREEN and I do/do not wish to be associated with this twaddle and refuse to read any of it.

Good morning.

*

Next week: 'Nomenclator' asks: Is your name Welshcreep?

13 comments:

Dave said...

I know no-one called Green.

I do, though, own most of the books written by Henry Graham Greene.

Vicus Scurra said...

I am envious of your erudition.

Rosie said...

You left out the famous composer Bill Green.

Christopher said...

Dave: Even with the extra E I should disinfect those books before reading. I hope it's not too late and you haven't caught wombling trot.

Vicus: All this stuff came from William Donaldson's Brewer's Rogues, Villains and Eccentrics, which I can thoroughly recommend (and it comes pre-disinfected).

Rosie: There you have me on the hip. You don't mean Maurice Green, the 18th-century organist/composer, sometime incumbent at St Paul's Cathedral?
Or Joe Green, of e.g. Rigolettuce fame?

Rosie said...

No, I meant the Italian guy. Wrote La Traviata...

Tim said...

That was Joe. Sorry Rosie.

moreidlethoughts said...

Rigolettuce-snort!

I must search for that book. (I bet Nurse Myra [http:nursemyra.wordpress.com] already has it!)

Rog said...

Vert Ego.

Mrs R translates my Faynites as Mulligrubs if that's any assistance.

Z said...

I used to know a gentleman called Sir Monty Green, but I had no wish to marry him.

Very good, Rog

Sarah said...

NO

Christopher said...

MIT: Do. It's well worth it, tho' the author has an obsession with London gangland, it seems.

Rog: Clever. And you never know when information of this kind will come in useful, so I've found room for it on a shelf in the garage.

Z: A narrow escape, clearly.

Sah: Very glad to hear it.

letouttoplay said...

Do you know where I could find Mrs Green's cure for mulligrubs? I believe my Forsythia has them.

Spadoman said...

Now I know why I haven't taken the pleasurable time to visit here more regularly. It's just too much information to digest in one seating.
So, I'm very confused. Why would having lusty carnal thoughts want to be avoided? ( it's all I have left as the fantasies are better than the realities these days). I'm getting my hands on all the cheeseburgers I can get! And I love that the woman can cure the 'Falling of the Foundation', must be eye candy there for some of us.
I do apologize my friend. I have been missing and self absorbed. Besides, I needed to talk to a man, (all fems at my place you know).

Pax