Sunday, 7 August 2011

What's Your Problem? Lydian Airs' Useful Guide to Patron Saints

AGUE St Pernel and St Petronella cure

BAD DREAMS St Christopher protects from

BLEAR EYES St Ottilic and St Clare cure

CHASTITY St Susan protects

CHILDREN St Germayne. But unless the mothers bring a white loaf and a pot of good ale, Sir Thomas More says, 'he wyll not loke at 'em' (p.194)

CHOLERA Oola Beebee is invoked by the Hindoos for this malady

DANCING MANIA St Vitus cures

DEFILEMENT St Susan preserves from

DISCOVERY OF LOST GOODS St Ethelbert and St Elian

DOUBTS St Catherine resolves

GOUT St Wolfgang, they say, is of more service than Blair's pills

GRIPES St Erasmus cures

IDIOCY St Gildas is the guardian angel of idiots

INFAMY St Susan protects from

MADNESS St Dymphna and St Fillan cure

MICE St Gertrude and St Huldrick ward them off. When phosphor paste fails, St Gertrude might be tried, at any rate with less danger than arsenic

MUMBLING St Modget will hear

NIGHT ALARMS St Christopher protects from

PUMPKINS St Rusticus limits undesir'd growth

QUENCHING FIRE St Florian and St Christopher should not be forgotten by fire insurance companies

SCABS St Rooke cures

SORE THROATS St Blaise, who (when he was put to death) prayed if any person suffering from a sore throat invoked him, he might be God's instrument to effect a perfect cure

SUDDEN DEATH St Martin saves from

TEMPERANCE Father Matthew is called 'The Apostle of Temperance' (1790-1856)

TOOTH-ACHE St Appolonia, because before she was burnt alive all her teeth were pulled out


(From The Reader's Handbook, of Famous Names in Fiction, Allusions, References, Proverbs, Plots, Stories, and Poems. By the Rev. E. Cobham Brewer, LL.D. (1898)


Dave said...

Does St Susan protect you from catching chastity, or from losing it? I think we need to know, before asking for her aid.

Christopher said...

Yes, she does, Dave.

Tim said...

Is there one for GRADUAL DEATH as well? He/she and Martin would make quite a team. All we'd need then would be OVERPOPULATION, but Susan will take care of that.

Tenon_Saw said...

Thank you for this - now I know!

Christopher said...

According to my list, Tim, St Barbara (fl. 235) relieves death. What kind of death (other than sudden) isn't specified. And yes, St Susan for overpopulation, tho' if - as Dave seems to think - St Susan discourages chastity, then I suppose you could invoke St Rusticus in extremis.

Glad to have been of service, TS. Was it mice you were troubled with, or wealth?

Martin H. said...

Since blogging takes up so much of my time, I can no longer guarantee protection against sudden death...sorry.

Z said...

St Christopher is very busy. And so, as far as I am concerned, is St Gildas.

letouttoplay said...

Useful chap to know, that St Christopher.
I like the idea of having two saints to protect you from mice (I wonder if they do rabbits on the side? My old cat could do with a bit of help)

Rog said...

I believe an unfortunate mix up between 'Vitus' and 'Vicus' led to the invention of the Hokey-Cokey

Christopher said...

We survivors are very grateful for all that you've done for us, Martin. In fact the lads had a whip-round, total £1.32, which we've bid for a 'Sudden Death' cocktail shaker (only used once) on Rog's E-bay emporium, which we hope you'll accept with our thanks and appreciation.

Z: I think they're all kept pretty busy, even St Modget. I said 'even St Modget'...Did you hear? Even ST MODGET

Mig: In the interests of brevity I didn't reproduce the entire list. Yes, SS Gert. and Huld. are down as Vermin Destroyers. Don't worry. They'll be along.

Rog: That 'Sudden Death' cocktail shaker you've been trying to get rid of for so long on E-bay - will £1.32 cover it? I think I've got a customer...

Vicus Scurra said...

That St Susan is a bit of an interfering ratbag isn't she? I can't find out anything about her, but I bet she was a right old slag.

Christopher said...

Hole in one, Vicus. Peeping gooseberry and moral Dogberry too. I don't think she ever existed - I think the whole mythical attribution is taken from the semi-pornographic story of Susannah and the Elders in the Apocrypha. Dave the Divine will, I'm sure, have all the details.

Friko said...

But if you come across St Cassian on Saturday, be extra vigilant. He was a severe Christian schoolmaster, and although he is supposed to take care of other schoolteachers, he was such an ogre that his pagan pupils stabbed him to death with iron pen-nibs.

Anonymous said...

Even misguided thugs of 'rioting London' can turn to their saint St. Jude patron saint of desperate cases and lost causes.

Christopher said...

Friko: I shall be especially vigilant on Saturday, and furnish myself with some Tarnlöschpapier. The we'll see who's boss.

Anon: Delightful to see you and your little pied-à-terre again. I invoke St Jude all the time, to little avail.

Spadoman said...

My friend, it looks as though I have been missing some fabulous posts while I was away playing on my Trikumph motorcycle. You did, however, achieve mention at Round Circle. So, if I may be so bold, and blog whore that I am, I will tell you that I have sent people here via the first paragraph of my latest post.
In the meantime, this reminds me of the first 12 days of Zdecember when we post "A Virgin a Day",m leading up to the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe, who, by the way, is the patron Saint of Latin America, (just not sure what she'll cure).
Take care and be well.


Scarlet Blue said...

I am sending St Erasmus round to see Dave.

Christopher said...

Thanks for the mention, Spadoman. I'm honoured!

Welcome, Scarlet. We've often glanced at each other across a crowded room at Dave's place. I don't know how closely you've examined the very pertinent illustration at the top of this post: you can probably identify Dave among his bedfellows, and that is in fact St Erasmus hovering overhead trying to effect a cure.

Scarlet Blue said...

Oh yes! He is the one in the middle!

Christopher said...

I'll take your word for it, Scarlet. You clearly know more than I do. I can't say I've ever seen Dave in bed.

Scarlet Blue said...

Tut. I have used my imagination, as you well know, Mr Christopher.

broken biro said...

Sadly, I gave away an inherited set of Butlers 'Lives of the Saints' to an Irish friend because she wanted it so badly, but you have certainly missed off St Valentine - Patron saint of making sad, lonely people sadder and more lonely.

p.s. I thought Even St Modget was a town in the Cotswolds.